Prop 8 overturned, finally. I know articles have been posted all day, but I found this a most interesting decision after an article in the New Yorker a couple months ago. Theodore Olson and David Boies defensed this case--they were opposing councils in the Gore v Bush case in 2000. This case was projected to be "too soon", even by many LBGT supported. Olson has been a typically conservative lawyer, yet they both took it up as one of the preeminent cases, as necessary to overturn immediately. There were ample arguments that this is a sheer case of judicial activism (when convenient though, right? Prop 8 violated both the equal protection and due process clauses of the constitution. Clearly.) that Judge Vaughn Walker acted rashly. I don't think i am able to articulate it better than:
"Conservatives, just like liberals, rely on the Supreme Court to protect the rule of law, to protect our liberties, to look at a law and decide whether or not it fits within the Constitution. And I think the point that's really important here, when you're thinking about judicial activism, is that this is not a new right. Nobody is saying, 'Go find in the Constitution the right to get married.' Everybody, unanimous Supreme Court, says there's a right to get married, a fundamental right to get married. The question is whether you can discriminate against certain people based on their sexual orientation. And the issue of prohibiting discrimination has never in my view been looked as a test of judicial activism. That's not liberal, that's not conservative. That's not Republican or Democrat. That's simply an American Constitutional civil right."
I don't even support marriage (I don't need a church to sanction my unity with someone. I would ultimately prefer civil unions for all--with the same rights allowed to socially accepted religiously affiliated marriages) and this is still so exciting. Testimony such as, "Permitting same-sex couples to marry will not affect the number of opposite-sex couples who marry, divorce, cohabit, have children outside of marriage or otherwise affect the stability of opposite-sex marriages." and "They come to the conclusion that withholding marriage from same sex couples hurts them and their families and doesn't help anyone." is just so completely reasonable.
Which only increases how totally appalled I am the comments on huffingtonpost. How do you comment, "Many of those that believe they are gay or lesbian are people that never learned how to interact with an attractive person of the opposite sex and that is a fact." REALLY? how can you be so utterly dense and ignorant? And moreover, what is any foundation to the assumption that marriage with someone of the opposite sex will be anymore successful? just because it COULD be fruitful? Jesus didn't ordain marriage so you could procreate. we don't even need more children on this earth. especially when half the people having children can hardly care for themselves, much less be responsible for another human being.
i only hope this is something that is looked back on 30 years from now as, "what? Really? How completely Neanderthal were we to completely deny a whole sector of people fundamental rights simply because the person they happened to be genetically fated to be attracted to was someone of the same sex as them? We really discriminated against people and wouldn't even grant them the fucked up ability to be united under the church that should've been separated from the state anyhow? Wow." I mean Loving v. Virginia was only ruled in 1967 (43 years ago, interracial marriage was outlawed. insane.)
Maybe I need a rational person that support the anti-gay marriage side beyond some unreasonable, blinded religious-led facts, but I am blinded in the manner that I cannot even believe this is still an issue. Fundamental right. It is. Allow anyone to marry. Grant anyone the ability to be tied down and miserable if they so please. We are so backward if we can't even figure this out. I haven't even been particularly political lately, and this is an obvious no brainer.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
just don't let it be the last time, you come into my life
monday i came home and cooked beets and kale while listening to npr, made a cocktail and read the fiction issue of the new yorker and finished planting my basil. if i'm doing this now, what am i going to be like when i'm 50?
ah, but to finally have the time to relax and complete the "boring" and routine things i haven't been able to indulge in...while i love visitors--AND have serious karma debt to reconcile after so much traveling and staying on other people's floors--for the past month, i've had people visiting, or have been out of town myself. after tori left, james stayed on until noah also came into town. mca monday's, drinks at the hancock and ginger limeade and rosemary lemonade were all done. oh yeah, and velo city at kenosha happened in there too.
allison and i left for portland the thursday before memorial day. after a long day of traveling and time changes, dave so nicely came to pick us up from the airport. we built up our bikes and met up with matty at the food carts downtown. dreaming of indian food, oh boy. art fair, meeting up with kelly and elaina, photo booth pictures and getting drinks at beluah. we stayed at damian's for the weekend. he was an amazing host and even let us take over his bed, while sleeping on the couch himself with roxanne and baxter (cutest dogs ever). lots of rain and gloom in portland, but we explored damnit! and ate some of the best vegan food ever! on friday after breakfast at vita, we met up with crossett and his chickens.
emily and matt came into town from vancouver so we all convened for drinks. onward to the ash st saloon for registration. headed to b-side tavern with an interlude for vegan japanese food.
coffee cat saturday morning departed from sweet pea (again. more yummy vegan food) with late starts and closed checkpoints, and afterwards none of us wanted to hang out in a rainy park. onward! the bartender employed our professional skills to messenger him some tomato juice for bloody marys and we spent hours at the bye and bye.
lots of time was spent on the bluffs as our group grew and the sun broke out. once the sun started to disappear, we moved on to the florida room for some pool, and finally made it to migration for gold sprints. matty reminded me of the punch show at food fight! but by the time we made it over there, punch had already finished their set. i took the chance to chat with keith and megan since it had been quite a while, but headed back to gold sprints before too long, after all the free beer disappeared and the "free drink tickets" weren't actually applicable, we headed to voodoo for lots of vegan donuts at voodoo, yumm.
sunday was kicked off at brunch with wendy and domonique, accompanied by wendy's dog, tuesday, running alongside our bikes for 2 miles, impressive. after, headed to the park for the start of the main race. it was organized differently than i expected--begin with one manifest and slowly pick up the remaining 4. the manifest were primarily composed of questions you had to answer by visiting a location, and most of us only realized after we finished that correct answers would determine the outcome of the race. dave and i rode together--two out of towners--and since the questions were mostly obscure, old knowledge of portland and past west sides, i assumed we were doing terribly despite feeling as if we had routed ourselves pretty well, plotting out most of the points on the map post-manifest 3. but i guess most people were coping similarly, with wrong answers, botched routing or just overwhelmed by the spread of questions and locations. we rolled in 7th and 8th and were given a 6th manifest that took us to the top of black butte. definitely the most climbing i have done in probably a year, phew. finally ACTUALLY finished back to the rose garden, we hung out for free bbq while the remaining racers trickled in. after dinner, we made it over to the someday lounge for prizes. drama-rama put a bit of a damper on the night. yes, one answer was given to us from another racer. yes, it was also wrong and we received no points for it. i also heard some other portland locals knew the answer and didn't go to that checkpoint either. i concede that i may well have been upset had i been on the other side of the situation, but at the time, i honestly thought we weren't in contention and just wanted to finish. ugh. we talked to the organizers about it though, and they similarly dismissed it. i was more bummed at the idea of disappointing people i like and respect. but maybe this is my indicator to step up my involvement in other (sanctioned) racing cause my motive for this weekend really had little to do with the actual alleycat and more just to spent time in portland and with people i've missed. (this too shall pass) wrapped up the night at the standard, but by that point i was exhausted and ready to turn in.
monday: brunch at junior's before allison left to get her flight. after, the rest of us spent the day watching polo and playing on seesaws with 9 year olds.
watched the hawks/flyers game at two different hockey bars. matt and i ate at blossoming lotus for dinner-all raw, vegan and super tasty. apparently date night since matt paid with a credit card. even though i paid my part in cash, oh boy. headed up to bye& bye again since zak was working the door. dave joined us for a drink and i headed back to chris' to turn in.
tuesday was early breakfast and a long drive back to san francisco in a large orange van with limited shocks, interesting after not driving for months. the 5 out of south oregon and through shasta is arguably one of the more scenic and beautiful i've done though. arrived in san francisco late, and tara made me tea while we caught up. i had a great wednesday and thursday morning in sf--most of my hang outs were with only one other people, which i feel i've become worse at initiating now, but it was just what i needed. saw chassy, coffee with derek, lunch with caitlin, visiting marcello, bookstores and dolores park, met up with jason to shop at rainbow and make dinner with him + rosie and ilya at their new place and met up with a whole crew over at bender's for whiskey wednesdays-mouton, sean, rob, matt, dave, noah, and randomly jen and diego. so many good friends that i've missed a ton. moving around is great and totally debilitating simultaneously. as soon as i think i've become set on the idea i will move back to the bay area in a year or so, i think about all the amazing people i know i will miss like crazy in chicago as soon as i'm able to stop missing all my bay area friends... deal when it comes i suppose.
met up with mario for coffee and visited mike aranda at trader joe's before grabbing the train to santa cruz with marcello. what a fantastic traveling buddy! plus, neither of us had been to santa cruz in about a year, so casually walking in places together was pretty hilarious. visited all the haunts--pergolesi, the bike church, seabright beach, running into familiar faces all the while. and the beach, perfect weather the whole time i was in santa cruz. but sitting on the beach wednesday night was pretty breath taking, particularly considering that prior to living in chicago, i've always been less than 20 minutes from the beach and totally taken it for granted. spent the evening catching up with kelly and hanging on her porch.
woke up to kelly making me breakfast. rode out with quentin and embarked on our 60 miles bike ride of joy. up empire grade, down a crazy steep fire road, where we met up with thad and rob and rode into big basin. climbed out on gazos creek through the forest. stopped for a beer that thad had carried along (!) down by the river
then rode the 30 miles back into santa cruz along highway one. headed to the santa cruz mountain brewery, and hit happy hour along with some la cabana burritos. showered and met up with lindsay and rachel for first friday art openings and some time at pergolesi. took a long walk with seth to a party that had just been broken up. college towns. but then had a really pleasant walk back too.
awoke to a band sleeping around me who had showed up at 3am apparently, so i escaped to coffee with asher. hit up the bargain barn and hung out with becca while fixing up some brake cables. grabbed lunch at a new indian restaurant with mike, then headed up to rigg st for some quality porch time at my old house with george. met up with kelly and her roommates at seabright. crossword puzzles, sun and sea salt! the bike church hosted a show saturday evening: age of dissent, intergalactic smugglers, dementia, and physiological waste. oh the new scene--bizarre after being so involved in putting on shows, etc. but to then feel so removed. i'm not old, but i certainly see it differently when around 18 year olds. regeneration i suppose, and just more apparent since i extricated myself immediately upon graduating. it was a good show though, and nice to see the faces i did still know. becca and i headed to the big yellow for the end of their bbq potluck and was able to see all the bike church mechanics i hadn't yet run into and snack on the remainder of the cobbler.
sunday i finally wrapped up my affair with santa cruz, after coffee in kelly's lush backyard and meeting up with kevin for brunch at crepe place, where lindsay is managing now and was able to hook us up with bloody marys. finally to rigg st so i could box up my bike, and have george so generously drive me to the airport.
phew, it was a non-stop week but just really pleasant and overall mellow. being in santa cruz after a couple years of distance put it and chicago and my moving around in perspective. allison and jake picked me up from the airport on the chicago end at 1am. with the time change and sleeping on the plane, i was up until 3am and a total zombie at work on monday. after vacation though, my job always seems so much more amazing, and i love getting back into routine.
routine was never really established since wednesday my mom and dad came in to stay with us. lots more eating out, but fantastic when you're being treated to it! handlebar, piece, and manna. they even came to hang out at tastee freeze with me and claire. &drove up in the cuttin' cruiser to the track on thursday night. plus, they drove me out to ikea on saturday--and bought me a new bed frame! interesting to be jealous of the awesome adventures your parent are having, i only hope i can be so rad when i'm older.
friday was hell at work--the parade with the actual stanley cup shut down washington st, then north on michigan. an estimated 2 million people were out and now in hindsight, i can believe it. trying to cut through the crowd, phil and i were yelled at by some weird old man complaining about how entitled bike messengers think they are. oh boo. beginning of world cup, hockey parade, blues fest, and we were busy busy busy, taking 20 minutes to travel 2 blocks is less than appealing.
sunday mom and dad left, and i went to actually play soccer--we won 2-0 and wrapped up the league in first, go magnum! headed over to ali's for bbq and bocci before the rain came. shakespeare night at cait's turned into popcorn and movie night, which worked well for me.
yesterday some older man ran into me and knocked me off my bike in the middle of lasalle st. his words? "oh my. i totally didn't see you because of the rain." bad weather drops everyone's iq, apparently. no excuses.
registered for riverwest 24 today. milwaukee at the end of july, hell yeah.
my plants grew like crazy while i was away! mom brought me basil and i transplanted some mint from ali's house. hopefully my tomato and zucchini plants will produce, but even if not, it's been enjoyable to have green around the house. and it's just nice to be home.
ah, but to finally have the time to relax and complete the "boring" and routine things i haven't been able to indulge in...while i love visitors--AND have serious karma debt to reconcile after so much traveling and staying on other people's floors--for the past month, i've had people visiting, or have been out of town myself. after tori left, james stayed on until noah also came into town. mca monday's, drinks at the hancock and ginger limeade and rosemary lemonade were all done. oh yeah, and velo city at kenosha happened in there too.
allison and i left for portland the thursday before memorial day. after a long day of traveling and time changes, dave so nicely came to pick us up from the airport. we built up our bikes and met up with matty at the food carts downtown. dreaming of indian food, oh boy. art fair, meeting up with kelly and elaina, photo booth pictures and getting drinks at beluah. we stayed at damian's for the weekend. he was an amazing host and even let us take over his bed, while sleeping on the couch himself with roxanne and baxter (cutest dogs ever). lots of rain and gloom in portland, but we explored damnit! and ate some of the best vegan food ever! on friday after breakfast at vita, we met up with crossett and his chickens.
emily and matt came into town from vancouver so we all convened for drinks. onward to the ash st saloon for registration. headed to b-side tavern with an interlude for vegan japanese food.
coffee cat saturday morning departed from sweet pea (again. more yummy vegan food) with late starts and closed checkpoints, and afterwards none of us wanted to hang out in a rainy park. onward! the bartender employed our professional skills to messenger him some tomato juice for bloody marys and we spent hours at the bye and bye.
lots of time was spent on the bluffs as our group grew and the sun broke out. once the sun started to disappear, we moved on to the florida room for some pool, and finally made it to migration for gold sprints. matty reminded me of the punch show at food fight! but by the time we made it over there, punch had already finished their set. i took the chance to chat with keith and megan since it had been quite a while, but headed back to gold sprints before too long, after all the free beer disappeared and the "free drink tickets" weren't actually applicable, we headed to voodoo for lots of vegan donuts at voodoo, yumm.
sunday was kicked off at brunch with wendy and domonique, accompanied by wendy's dog, tuesday, running alongside our bikes for 2 miles, impressive. after, headed to the park for the start of the main race. it was organized differently than i expected--begin with one manifest and slowly pick up the remaining 4. the manifest were primarily composed of questions you had to answer by visiting a location, and most of us only realized after we finished that correct answers would determine the outcome of the race. dave and i rode together--two out of towners--and since the questions were mostly obscure, old knowledge of portland and past west sides, i assumed we were doing terribly despite feeling as if we had routed ourselves pretty well, plotting out most of the points on the map post-manifest 3. but i guess most people were coping similarly, with wrong answers, botched routing or just overwhelmed by the spread of questions and locations. we rolled in 7th and 8th and were given a 6th manifest that took us to the top of black butte. definitely the most climbing i have done in probably a year, phew. finally ACTUALLY finished back to the rose garden, we hung out for free bbq while the remaining racers trickled in. after dinner, we made it over to the someday lounge for prizes. drama-rama put a bit of a damper on the night. yes, one answer was given to us from another racer. yes, it was also wrong and we received no points for it. i also heard some other portland locals knew the answer and didn't go to that checkpoint either. i concede that i may well have been upset had i been on the other side of the situation, but at the time, i honestly thought we weren't in contention and just wanted to finish. ugh. we talked to the organizers about it though, and they similarly dismissed it. i was more bummed at the idea of disappointing people i like and respect. but maybe this is my indicator to step up my involvement in other (sanctioned) racing cause my motive for this weekend really had little to do with the actual alleycat and more just to spent time in portland and with people i've missed. (this too shall pass) wrapped up the night at the standard, but by that point i was exhausted and ready to turn in.
monday: brunch at junior's before allison left to get her flight. after, the rest of us spent the day watching polo and playing on seesaws with 9 year olds.
watched the hawks/flyers game at two different hockey bars. matt and i ate at blossoming lotus for dinner-all raw, vegan and super tasty. apparently date night since matt paid with a credit card. even though i paid my part in cash, oh boy. headed up to bye& bye again since zak was working the door. dave joined us for a drink and i headed back to chris' to turn in.
tuesday was early breakfast and a long drive back to san francisco in a large orange van with limited shocks, interesting after not driving for months. the 5 out of south oregon and through shasta is arguably one of the more scenic and beautiful i've done though. arrived in san francisco late, and tara made me tea while we caught up. i had a great wednesday and thursday morning in sf--most of my hang outs were with only one other people, which i feel i've become worse at initiating now, but it was just what i needed. saw chassy, coffee with derek, lunch with caitlin, visiting marcello, bookstores and dolores park, met up with jason to shop at rainbow and make dinner with him + rosie and ilya at their new place and met up with a whole crew over at bender's for whiskey wednesdays-mouton, sean, rob, matt, dave, noah, and randomly jen and diego. so many good friends that i've missed a ton. moving around is great and totally debilitating simultaneously. as soon as i think i've become set on the idea i will move back to the bay area in a year or so, i think about all the amazing people i know i will miss like crazy in chicago as soon as i'm able to stop missing all my bay area friends... deal when it comes i suppose.
met up with mario for coffee and visited mike aranda at trader joe's before grabbing the train to santa cruz with marcello. what a fantastic traveling buddy! plus, neither of us had been to santa cruz in about a year, so casually walking in places together was pretty hilarious. visited all the haunts--pergolesi, the bike church, seabright beach, running into familiar faces all the while. and the beach, perfect weather the whole time i was in santa cruz. but sitting on the beach wednesday night was pretty breath taking, particularly considering that prior to living in chicago, i've always been less than 20 minutes from the beach and totally taken it for granted. spent the evening catching up with kelly and hanging on her porch.
woke up to kelly making me breakfast. rode out with quentin and embarked on our 60 miles bike ride of joy. up empire grade, down a crazy steep fire road, where we met up with thad and rob and rode into big basin. climbed out on gazos creek through the forest. stopped for a beer that thad had carried along (!) down by the river
then rode the 30 miles back into santa cruz along highway one. headed to the santa cruz mountain brewery, and hit happy hour along with some la cabana burritos. showered and met up with lindsay and rachel for first friday art openings and some time at pergolesi. took a long walk with seth to a party that had just been broken up. college towns. but then had a really pleasant walk back too.
awoke to a band sleeping around me who had showed up at 3am apparently, so i escaped to coffee with asher. hit up the bargain barn and hung out with becca while fixing up some brake cables. grabbed lunch at a new indian restaurant with mike, then headed up to rigg st for some quality porch time at my old house with george. met up with kelly and her roommates at seabright. crossword puzzles, sun and sea salt! the bike church hosted a show saturday evening: age of dissent, intergalactic smugglers, dementia, and physiological waste. oh the new scene--bizarre after being so involved in putting on shows, etc. but to then feel so removed. i'm not old, but i certainly see it differently when around 18 year olds. regeneration i suppose, and just more apparent since i extricated myself immediately upon graduating. it was a good show though, and nice to see the faces i did still know. becca and i headed to the big yellow for the end of their bbq potluck and was able to see all the bike church mechanics i hadn't yet run into and snack on the remainder of the cobbler.
sunday i finally wrapped up my affair with santa cruz, after coffee in kelly's lush backyard and meeting up with kevin for brunch at crepe place, where lindsay is managing now and was able to hook us up with bloody marys. finally to rigg st so i could box up my bike, and have george so generously drive me to the airport.
phew, it was a non-stop week but just really pleasant and overall mellow. being in santa cruz after a couple years of distance put it and chicago and my moving around in perspective. allison and jake picked me up from the airport on the chicago end at 1am. with the time change and sleeping on the plane, i was up until 3am and a total zombie at work on monday. after vacation though, my job always seems so much more amazing, and i love getting back into routine.
routine was never really established since wednesday my mom and dad came in to stay with us. lots more eating out, but fantastic when you're being treated to it! handlebar, piece, and manna. they even came to hang out at tastee freeze with me and claire. &drove up in the cuttin' cruiser to the track on thursday night. plus, they drove me out to ikea on saturday--and bought me a new bed frame! interesting to be jealous of the awesome adventures your parent are having, i only hope i can be so rad when i'm older.
friday was hell at work--the parade with the actual stanley cup shut down washington st, then north on michigan. an estimated 2 million people were out and now in hindsight, i can believe it. trying to cut through the crowd, phil and i were yelled at by some weird old man complaining about how entitled bike messengers think they are. oh boo. beginning of world cup, hockey parade, blues fest, and we were busy busy busy, taking 20 minutes to travel 2 blocks is less than appealing.
sunday mom and dad left, and i went to actually play soccer--we won 2-0 and wrapped up the league in first, go magnum! headed over to ali's for bbq and bocci before the rain came. shakespeare night at cait's turned into popcorn and movie night, which worked well for me.
yesterday some older man ran into me and knocked me off my bike in the middle of lasalle st. his words? "oh my. i totally didn't see you because of the rain." bad weather drops everyone's iq, apparently. no excuses.
registered for riverwest 24 today. milwaukee at the end of july, hell yeah.
my plants grew like crazy while i was away! mom brought me basil and i transplanted some mint from ali's house. hopefully my tomato and zucchini plants will produce, but even if not, it's been enjoyable to have green around the house. and it's just nice to be home.
Friday, May 21, 2010
maybe it's for the best. maybe it's not for anything.
I was waiting for pictures from the cocktail party, but they have yet to be edited, so I'll just post this from Wednesday. Pictures will come soon.
This weekend turned out pretty awesome. James lee arrived in town on Wednesday at the tailend of my work day and we were able to ride home together. Ate at the Handlebar and met up with Allison for some extensive Binny's shopping to prep for the cocktail party.
Thursday dawned rainy and gross. I left the house assuming northbrook would not be able to hold opening night. suddenly mid day, the skies cleared and i had to scramble to pull it together. luckily my dispatcher let me take off early and jamie stuck around to drive me and my bike plus allison, james, and jake down to the cruiser. A full bus with only 3 of us racing still turned out to be a lot of fun. Our first race was scratch race for just the 1/2/3 field which turned out to be only four women. For the miss and out and points race, they combined fields for a total of 11 making it a lot more fun. I managed to pull 3rd for all the races and just eek Francine out to make it for the final sprint of the miss and out. Just being out at the track and remembering why I enjoyed going weekly last year, I was and still am totally digging the vibe and community. Lots of good faces to see and I'm really excited about another season. Didn't arrive into Chicago until 11:30pm or so and was oh so ready to crash by then.
I finally found a dress on Friday after work, and came home just as Tori arrived into town! After getting settled, we met up with Allison, Chris, and Jake at Sultan's for falafel and byob on the patio. Vegan cupcake bake-off next, best idea ever. Showed up at the tail end when I don't think our votes counted for much, but still sampled four cupcakes, one of which was injected with whiskey. Way to go Margot! Stayed for a bit but headed over to Phil's later to hang out with him and Trippz on his back porch. I wish everyone had back porches. Summer needs to = less time in bars.
Saturday, chris, tori and i went down to the merchandise mart to check out the sample sale. everything was depressingly ugly and overpriced, definitely no real deals to be found. We all took a mid-afternoon break from cleaning up for the cocktail party to visit Neil. He was staying down by Rush after having a heart surgery of sorts (oouch!) and was back in Chicago to take care of it. Fantastic to see Neil--despite the circumstances, meet his lady friend and drink coffee and tea in the Marriott bar. Back at the apt, we all cleaned up and people started arriving around 9. We definitely had a full house by 11pm and then it began thinning out again around 1pm. But not before Erica and I encouraged the whole party to sing happy birthday to Kim and James! Happy Birthday you two! Not too much dance party action since I was so terribly unprepared on the ipod front (completely disappointing Erica and her DJing skills) but lots of awesome pictures and good times.
We had some unfortunate interactions with local drunk kids on our front porch (our condo neighbors must REALLY hate us now) and some overly drunken acquaintances, but overall, a lot of fun. Chris determined that people must begin leaving, and it finally happened around 3am. With some serious same night clean up, I was able to wake up the following morning without being entirely overwhelmed.
Sunday morning soccer was rough on my body, but we cleaned up 8-0! I always love it once I'm there, but the trek down to 29th and Western never sounds too fun. James, Tori and I visited allison at Upgrade afterward, and spent sometime at Jenni's for her garage sale/hang out. Picked up some food, and headed over to Dumptruck's, for what I hope is the first of many summer time blvd hangouts. Yes! I can't wait!
I don't know when i became such an awful prolific excuse maker. Its trying not to spread myself too thin (cause so often I underestimate the time it takes to be places and then end up bouncing around without ever being able to just stay put and enjoy myself) but sometimes I neglect things I should have made priority. I didn't make it up north for Kim's birthday festivities due to a raging headache and in-town friends who didn't seem interested. Still, the following morning I thought about how bummed I would be if similar friends just decided not to come to my birthday. Priorities, I need them.
Monday and tuesday were 60s and gloomy. People keep asking me when the weather is going to break. I wish I knew Some woman walked outside the other day and turned to her friend, "Oh, is it raining?" You're outside? Maybe I need to stop being such a jerk about the intelligence of the general populace, but some people make it real difficult for me to feel otherwise. In the past three days i have had 4 people almost turn into me on one way streets. One was filing her nails. On Sunday night, there was a cop driving south on Rockwell.
Tori leaves town tomorrow, but James is sticking around for another week or so. Noah comes to visit in another week and then off to PDX! It's the feeling of not doing much, but somehow always staying occupied. I think once I'm back from portland, I might need hibernate for a week or so...
This weekend turned out pretty awesome. James lee arrived in town on Wednesday at the tailend of my work day and we were able to ride home together. Ate at the Handlebar and met up with Allison for some extensive Binny's shopping to prep for the cocktail party.
Thursday dawned rainy and gross. I left the house assuming northbrook would not be able to hold opening night. suddenly mid day, the skies cleared and i had to scramble to pull it together. luckily my dispatcher let me take off early and jamie stuck around to drive me and my bike plus allison, james, and jake down to the cruiser. A full bus with only 3 of us racing still turned out to be a lot of fun. Our first race was scratch race for just the 1/2/3 field which turned out to be only four women. For the miss and out and points race, they combined fields for a total of 11 making it a lot more fun. I managed to pull 3rd for all the races and just eek Francine out to make it for the final sprint of the miss and out. Just being out at the track and remembering why I enjoyed going weekly last year, I was and still am totally digging the vibe and community. Lots of good faces to see and I'm really excited about another season. Didn't arrive into Chicago until 11:30pm or so and was oh so ready to crash by then.
I finally found a dress on Friday after work, and came home just as Tori arrived into town! After getting settled, we met up with Allison, Chris, and Jake at Sultan's for falafel and byob on the patio. Vegan cupcake bake-off next, best idea ever. Showed up at the tail end when I don't think our votes counted for much, but still sampled four cupcakes, one of which was injected with whiskey. Way to go Margot! Stayed for a bit but headed over to Phil's later to hang out with him and Trippz on his back porch. I wish everyone had back porches. Summer needs to = less time in bars.
Saturday, chris, tori and i went down to the merchandise mart to check out the sample sale. everything was depressingly ugly and overpriced, definitely no real deals to be found. We all took a mid-afternoon break from cleaning up for the cocktail party to visit Neil. He was staying down by Rush after having a heart surgery of sorts (oouch!) and was back in Chicago to take care of it. Fantastic to see Neil--despite the circumstances, meet his lady friend and drink coffee and tea in the Marriott bar. Back at the apt, we all cleaned up and people started arriving around 9. We definitely had a full house by 11pm and then it began thinning out again around 1pm. But not before Erica and I encouraged the whole party to sing happy birthday to Kim and James! Happy Birthday you two! Not too much dance party action since I was so terribly unprepared on the ipod front (completely disappointing Erica and her DJing skills) but lots of awesome pictures and good times.
We had some unfortunate interactions with local drunk kids on our front porch (our condo neighbors must REALLY hate us now) and some overly drunken acquaintances, but overall, a lot of fun. Chris determined that people must begin leaving, and it finally happened around 3am. With some serious same night clean up, I was able to wake up the following morning without being entirely overwhelmed.
Sunday morning soccer was rough on my body, but we cleaned up 8-0! I always love it once I'm there, but the trek down to 29th and Western never sounds too fun. James, Tori and I visited allison at Upgrade afterward, and spent sometime at Jenni's for her garage sale/hang out. Picked up some food, and headed over to Dumptruck's, for what I hope is the first of many summer time blvd hangouts. Yes! I can't wait!
I don't know when i became such an awful prolific excuse maker. Its trying not to spread myself too thin (cause so often I underestimate the time it takes to be places and then end up bouncing around without ever being able to just stay put and enjoy myself) but sometimes I neglect things I should have made priority. I didn't make it up north for Kim's birthday festivities due to a raging headache and in-town friends who didn't seem interested. Still, the following morning I thought about how bummed I would be if similar friends just decided not to come to my birthday. Priorities, I need them.
Monday and tuesday were 60s and gloomy. People keep asking me when the weather is going to break. I wish I knew Some woman walked outside the other day and turned to her friend, "Oh, is it raining?" You're outside? Maybe I need to stop being such a jerk about the intelligence of the general populace, but some people make it real difficult for me to feel otherwise. In the past three days i have had 4 people almost turn into me on one way streets. One was filing her nails. On Sunday night, there was a cop driving south on Rockwell.
Tori leaves town tomorrow, but James is sticking around for another week or so. Noah comes to visit in another week and then off to PDX! It's the feeling of not doing much, but somehow always staying occupied. I think once I'm back from portland, I might need hibernate for a week or so...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
a better version of me.
for some reason may weather has taken a turn for the worse. its supposed to be april showers bring may flowers, right?! but chillier temperatures and some rain it is, and i'm taking to with lots of episodes of six feet under and xfiles. though i'm probably just using the rain as another convenient excuse to not be training. track season starts tomorrow (as long as the rain holds!) and i only finally glued my tubular tires this morning. my fingers aren't too happy with acetone and too much 3M glue, but i am oh so pleased to be able to cross that off my list.
last weekend allison, nikki, jake, trippz, casey, olive, and i rode down to the indiana dunes! after so much talk of making the trip last year and never actualizing, i was determined even after eric backed out (too cold? boo!) we left saturday morning after coffee at lovely and waiting for trippz. met up with casey and olive down south and headed out. since none of us had been, there was a lot of stopping to consult maps and reconsider routes, but we embarked on the longer route via mostly greenways. the trails were awesome and completely worth it. wooden bridges and overhanging trees. stirred something within me. i complain about the sprawling, and intensely urban layout of chicago, yet haven't sought out surrounding areas that counter it.
i was pretty impressed that areas of indiana were that beautiful.
height="240" width="180" />
5 hours, and lots of snacks later, we arrived at the national campsite and met up with mike and eva. after setting up camp, we rode down to the beach and into michigan city, settling on the first restaurant we found. luckily, it was an awesome brewery with really good beer and pretty decent food, and butcher paper tablecloths you could draw on! back to the site for campfires and mad dog and yelling and cooking.
luckily there was close to no one else in the campsite except the two small children that threatened jake with their sticks when we walked down to the dune mart for coffee the next morning. sunday was sunny and awesome, so after we made breakfast and packed up, we headed down to the dunes.
Waited for the rest of the crew to pack up and finally left at 2pm. due to our late departure, we took the shorter route along the lake and through gary. staying entirely on highways, cut our travel time by half, but led us through some of the most depressing scenery i've ever seen. our routing led us to a stopped train, which someone proclaimed "beer time!"
a perfect break actually, and 20 minutes later, the train finally was out of our way. we arrived back in chicago to an awesome dinner and cheap beers and simone's. pleasantly exhausted, i fell asleep at 9:30pm, yes. excited to plan another similar trip sometime in june. and to cross that off the list of things i need to do in 2010!
i still have so much to learn about being a real adult. i too often entertain the idea that since i'm on my own and making a living (enough to get by at least) that i'm mature in other ways, but in light of other realizations, i'm pretty certain that theory is entirely null. i've too often only surrounded myself with people i really like and other than that, i don't know how to deal/talk to people that i don't like or don't really want to hang out with. more, i need to watch the gossip i say to other people (especially who it is said to...). in small communities, word passes around quick, usually quicker when you don't want it to. and more, considering how emotional i become once drinking, i need to be careful the things i tell other people. so it goes.
last weekend allison, nikki, jake, trippz, casey, olive, and i rode down to the indiana dunes! after so much talk of making the trip last year and never actualizing, i was determined even after eric backed out (too cold? boo!) we left saturday morning after coffee at lovely and waiting for trippz. met up with casey and olive down south and headed out. since none of us had been, there was a lot of stopping to consult maps and reconsider routes, but we embarked on the longer route via mostly greenways. the trails were awesome and completely worth it. wooden bridges and overhanging trees. stirred something within me. i complain about the sprawling, and intensely urban layout of chicago, yet haven't sought out surrounding areas that counter it.
i was pretty impressed that areas of indiana were that beautiful.
height="240" width="180" />5 hours, and lots of snacks later, we arrived at the national campsite and met up with mike and eva. after setting up camp, we rode down to the beach and into michigan city, settling on the first restaurant we found. luckily, it was an awesome brewery with really good beer and pretty decent food, and butcher paper tablecloths you could draw on! back to the site for campfires and mad dog and yelling and cooking.
luckily there was close to no one else in the campsite except the two small children that threatened jake with their sticks when we walked down to the dune mart for coffee the next morning. sunday was sunny and awesome, so after we made breakfast and packed up, we headed down to the dunes.
Waited for the rest of the crew to pack up and finally left at 2pm. due to our late departure, we took the shorter route along the lake and through gary. staying entirely on highways, cut our travel time by half, but led us through some of the most depressing scenery i've ever seen. our routing led us to a stopped train, which someone proclaimed "beer time!"
a perfect break actually, and 20 minutes later, the train finally was out of our way. we arrived back in chicago to an awesome dinner and cheap beers and simone's. pleasantly exhausted, i fell asleep at 9:30pm, yes. excited to plan another similar trip sometime in june. and to cross that off the list of things i need to do in 2010!
i still have so much to learn about being a real adult. i too often entertain the idea that since i'm on my own and making a living (enough to get by at least) that i'm mature in other ways, but in light of other realizations, i'm pretty certain that theory is entirely null. i've too often only surrounded myself with people i really like and other than that, i don't know how to deal/talk to people that i don't like or don't really want to hang out with. more, i need to watch the gossip i say to other people (especially who it is said to...). in small communities, word passes around quick, usually quicker when you don't want it to. and more, considering how emotional i become once drinking, i need to be careful the things i tell other people. so it goes.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
the reasons have all run away, but the feeling never did.
MMI (milwaukee messenger invitational) was last weekend and a whole lot of damn fun. the philly kids arrived into chicago on thursday night and we bbq'ed in their-and the 80 degree weather's--honor. friday we left soon after work and arrived at the double door. once proceeding to the uptowner, i feared for a simple repeat of the year before: blatz pitchers, dance parties and too much smoke. yet, we ended up staying at pete's and somehow it turned out all the better. being woken up at 8:30am by a 4 year old dancing around could be an annoyance, but somehow pete's daughter just entertained us all morning, climbing in jeff's lap and telling all sorts of stories. we blew her mind with gender norms after she called nico a girl and tried to tell us what a "boy" was, and what it meant to be a "girl". after pete's wife anna, cooked us all breakfast, we headed to breakaway to register and were some of the first ones there. luckily that meant we had plenty of time to look at the map and plan out our routes. allison and i decided to ride together and once we started the race from the highest point in mke, i realized it was the best decision. we kept having to reference the map, but i think we chose a really good route and kept on the move. first checkpoint: newspaper stacks up and around the hill. 2nd: round trip to the court house to "file". down south to mke bikes over terrible pot holed streets and back up to breakaway to receive four more stops. overall it took us about 2 hours with minimal stops and back tracking. unfortunately our biggest turn around happened right at the end and we were beat by about 5 seconds by a local mke girl. shoot, but 21st and 22nd out of 115 riders isn't bad, neither is 2nd and 3rd girl. after party was at the high hat again and we hung out for "bag beers" until we cleaned them out. back to breakaway, drinking outside, and then headed across the street for coffee. prizes at 10 yielded a wheelset to jake for ultimate DFL--leaving his manifest at base, ha. allison and i won $40 and $50 respectively in addition to some other small prizes. lots of pbr out of hidden bags and convincing others to drink from bendy straws. back at pete's, we made pb and nutella sandwiches and stayed up way too late talking. much mellower than the drunken snow storm of 2009 though! sunday dawned bright and sunny--out to polo, back to a 17 person brunch courtesy of kevin sparrow and back to polo for free pizza and beer. i love that sunday afternoon was drunker than most of saturday night--cream cheese fights and too much yelling. sunday santana killed it. especially on the way home when he held onto my hood after he ordered one of the new KFC monstrosities. oh boy. arrived home to drink more mad dog, eat soy ice cream and watch xfiles to only fall asleep on each other. i love out of town weekends.
i've been real tired lately and spent most of last week trying to catch up on sleep. saw dani scoville while she was in town and took her out to skylark (yay!). girls bonding at ruby's, garden day at thomas street and partying with ira and andrea, baby shower/fundraiser for an awesome new dutch bike. sundays always destroy--biking shape does not equal soccer shape, ow. but, outdoor soccer season started. im playing with magnum again and we won our first game 3-1. the opposition wasn't particularly ept, and i probably need to step up my soccer skills, but it was a lot of fun just to get out in the rain. be active despite the weather. shakespeare night with lots of cookies and onwards to emo night. so much singing and demanding earlier get up kids and kind of like spitting. monday mornings are overrated, but better when monday afternoons are spent in wicker park and wrapped up eating a spagetti dinner with friends. tuesday, i spent with claire watching more xfiles (they're finally on watch it now, what do you want?!) and eating too many girl scout cookies. today, dylan and i cashed in on free food and beer (even free matilda!) at the new blue frog location (apparently dropping adolfo's name gets you places?) after work, so rad.
with the beginning of summer, (but i guess, "summer" it tricks you like that) everything was supposed to become more accessible and attractive. it's always supposed to be easier, right? i realize how often i do this, romanticize things without a clear realistic vision.
but there has been a lot of recognition of my habits lately. my patterns really--how i need to stay busy, because it's really the only way i'll ever maintain the motion to continue. inertia. or seeing that often the things i desires/admire in other people are qualities i have strived to be/assume in the past and not been able to achieve. that for how much whining i've been doing, that it really comes back to being self actualizing. going out and gardening. organizing rides, and inviting other people to come along. brewing, sewing, making mix tapes, and generally being involved in the DIY scene, and generally things that have nothing to do with bikes.
it's funny to how often things my mom told me are suddenly relevant in ways i never realized. like it was great to hear at the time but i never fully realized their import or truthfulness until i've matured enough and now begin to actually understand. she's an amazing fucking lady and i think it's some ways why i never want to be a mom, i don't think i could live up to it. we were talking the other day about the possibility of grad school in my future. suddenly i have been thinking about going back to school, these past two years have given me enough distance that I have come to realize what I would really want to get out of school instead of knowing that I can totally skate by, but getting As and Bs doesn't mean that I'm actually making it worthwhile, or learning skills/information that I will actually continue to maintain outside of a classroom. i voiced a worry that if I didn't return to school until i was 25, and then not out until 27, that i will just feel so old to only finally begin a career then (which i clearly would not be, but planning my life out that far is terrifying. i revel in my youth.) she referenced that in actuality, it might be a better time, since most everyone in our family are late bloomers--that while being together and productive in most manners, we're pretty emotionally immature. only recently have i started to be able to be "adult" and cope with these things on an age appropriate level. it's just puts it in a different perspective for my mom to articulate that, and then realize it in context--that my dad went back to school and then was hired for his "serious" job at 27. my mom went back to school at 35. katie buckled down and went to nursing school. maybe i'm finally at a stage where school and planning for a different lifestyle in the new few years is positive and timely.
i was talking to nico the other day: especially when work becomes super rote, you really have to take a step back and re-evaluate your job and your reactions. in particular, i was referencing how ridiculous it is that i sometimes need to hear jose be a jerk on the radio to truly realize how petty and silly i sound when i brattly object to riding an extra half mile to a pick, taking a route i don't want to with buildings i don't like, or generally being unnecessarily rude. especially when you finally are acting more professionally and reasonable, and your dispatcher hooks it up with totally killer car work that the other bikers have never received. in all, my job is pretty sweet and it's easy to lose sight of that. less so now that the weather is picking up, but its always good to keep it in perspective.
and so on. i've just trying to write more, i think it helps me sort things out in ways i never can otherwise. cathartic or not, i just think providing a semblance of structure to my otherwise larger incoherent thought process is personally productive. maintaining at least a vestige of sanity, ha.
i've been real tired lately and spent most of last week trying to catch up on sleep. saw dani scoville while she was in town and took her out to skylark (yay!). girls bonding at ruby's, garden day at thomas street and partying with ira and andrea, baby shower/fundraiser for an awesome new dutch bike. sundays always destroy--biking shape does not equal soccer shape, ow. but, outdoor soccer season started. im playing with magnum again and we won our first game 3-1. the opposition wasn't particularly ept, and i probably need to step up my soccer skills, but it was a lot of fun just to get out in the rain. be active despite the weather. shakespeare night with lots of cookies and onwards to emo night. so much singing and demanding earlier get up kids and kind of like spitting. monday mornings are overrated, but better when monday afternoons are spent in wicker park and wrapped up eating a spagetti dinner with friends. tuesday, i spent with claire watching more xfiles (they're finally on watch it now, what do you want?!) and eating too many girl scout cookies. today, dylan and i cashed in on free food and beer (even free matilda!) at the new blue frog location (apparently dropping adolfo's name gets you places?) after work, so rad.
with the beginning of summer, (but i guess, "summer" it tricks you like that) everything was supposed to become more accessible and attractive. it's always supposed to be easier, right? i realize how often i do this, romanticize things without a clear realistic vision.
but there has been a lot of recognition of my habits lately. my patterns really--how i need to stay busy, because it's really the only way i'll ever maintain the motion to continue. inertia. or seeing that often the things i desires/admire in other people are qualities i have strived to be/assume in the past and not been able to achieve. that for how much whining i've been doing, that it really comes back to being self actualizing. going out and gardening. organizing rides, and inviting other people to come along. brewing, sewing, making mix tapes, and generally being involved in the DIY scene, and generally things that have nothing to do with bikes.
it's funny to how often things my mom told me are suddenly relevant in ways i never realized. like it was great to hear at the time but i never fully realized their import or truthfulness until i've matured enough and now begin to actually understand. she's an amazing fucking lady and i think it's some ways why i never want to be a mom, i don't think i could live up to it. we were talking the other day about the possibility of grad school in my future. suddenly i have been thinking about going back to school, these past two years have given me enough distance that I have come to realize what I would really want to get out of school instead of knowing that I can totally skate by, but getting As and Bs doesn't mean that I'm actually making it worthwhile, or learning skills/information that I will actually continue to maintain outside of a classroom. i voiced a worry that if I didn't return to school until i was 25, and then not out until 27, that i will just feel so old to only finally begin a career then (which i clearly would not be, but planning my life out that far is terrifying. i revel in my youth.) she referenced that in actuality, it might be a better time, since most everyone in our family are late bloomers--that while being together and productive in most manners, we're pretty emotionally immature. only recently have i started to be able to be "adult" and cope with these things on an age appropriate level. it's just puts it in a different perspective for my mom to articulate that, and then realize it in context--that my dad went back to school and then was hired for his "serious" job at 27. my mom went back to school at 35. katie buckled down and went to nursing school. maybe i'm finally at a stage where school and planning for a different lifestyle in the new few years is positive and timely.
i was talking to nico the other day: especially when work becomes super rote, you really have to take a step back and re-evaluate your job and your reactions. in particular, i was referencing how ridiculous it is that i sometimes need to hear jose be a jerk on the radio to truly realize how petty and silly i sound when i brattly object to riding an extra half mile to a pick, taking a route i don't want to with buildings i don't like, or generally being unnecessarily rude. especially when you finally are acting more professionally and reasonable, and your dispatcher hooks it up with totally killer car work that the other bikers have never received. in all, my job is pretty sweet and it's easy to lose sight of that. less so now that the weather is picking up, but its always good to keep it in perspective.
and so on. i've just trying to write more, i think it helps me sort things out in ways i never can otherwise. cathartic or not, i just think providing a semblance of structure to my otherwise larger incoherent thought process is personally productive. maintaining at least a vestige of sanity, ha.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
i won't if you won't.
he other day i had a friend comment on how i was being broken down by the midwest, that i was letting go of my "PC-ness" (my quotes, not his). while they were kidding, and found this quite amusing, i found it somewhat terrifying. i've always agreed with the off minor quote, "who you are is not a function of where you are" and would like to believe the traveling and moving i've done in the past years is more an exploration than being escapist or some sordid attempt to recreate myself by sheer geography. while i realize, and would hope to not be immune or inflexible to change, i detest the idea of letting go of certain ideals simply because i'm no longer surround by friends with similar to identical ideals as in santa cruz or san francisco. more, the concern that i'm letting go of the good and maintaining the bad. continuing to drink and do little else besides ride my bike and no longer teaching myself and being motivated to try new things, maintain any semblance of community involvement or even maintain intensity about the things i am involved in.
i've been reading a lot more lately, and realized how totally i've fallen out of touch with politics. &how rarely i seriously discuss/debate ideas rather than people and facts. i suppose i knew those topics and discussions wouldn't be as accessible, or givens, once out of college, yet being smacked in the face with that sort of commentary forces me to reevaluate what i expect out of myself. that while i pretend to challenge myself, i've failed to continue learning on my own volition.
and then maybe all of this is more the realization that i can't continue to use my age as an excuse any longer. while 23 isn't old, i do begin to contemplate what it means if i continue to be a bike messenger and reach 25, 26 with no other experience besides riding my bike in a city. that the section in katy otto's article below where she mentions being someone who typically imagines their self as being able to eschew social conventions, i still freak out over what this means for my future. if on the set timeline of expectancy, when will i begin to be a "real grown-up" and will i be satisfied if i never reach that? (i also really liked this below quote)
"i'd always assumed there would be a certain point in time when the transformation from "kid" to "adult" would be complete. one day I would wake up and suddenly understand how interest rates are calculated, know how to properly clean stuffed animals, and throw out everything in my closet that could possibly stand out in anyway. bam! I would have a family, be making wise investment decisions regarding housing and automobiles, start wearing gold jewelry and be capable of making anything from pancakes and casseroles with nary a glance at a cookbook. somehow, this elusive adulthood has managed to make a wide berth around the path of my life. either that or at 26, i am not yet eligible." kim bae
despite being overall content with my life and how free and easy it is, i have been continually thinking about what i want to do next, and where to go from here. maybe i just need a job that more thoroughly occupies my mind, so i can finally get out of my head.
&this has always been one of my favorite articles. cause katy otto is such an articulate, bad-ass. i'll repost it here for posterity's sake, even though i rarely reread these entries:
I am fortunate to have an overwhelming number of driven, high caliber, loving, incredible women in my life (additionally i am surrounded by incredible men, trans, and gender-queer folk). We face challenges that come with living in a culture that is terrified of women who have strong, substantive, impermeable relationships with each other, be they artistic, organizational, familial, or intimate. From a young age, girls are socialized to compete with each other--we are taught to operate from a place of scarcity. If we choose to date men, we are told it's an occasional "necessity" to trample over each other to get the final prize, the jackpot, the pot of gold at the end of the goddamn rainbow-the boyfriend! He'll rush in, bestow his ever-so-unique and vital attention on us, and all our problems will melt away.
We get messages beginning in girlhood that our worth and femininity depend on our abilities to secure an appropriate male partner. He must be stoic, be traditionally masculine, never cheat on us or mistreat us, make money, not be substance riddled, and be in control at all times (as we must). We must have an air tight, perfect, harmonious relationship with great communication, great sex, plans to procreate, a path toward home ownership, satisfying careers, and total equality.
What I wonder is: are people ever able to live up to this? Real life is way messier. As I approach 29, pressure mounts about the future. I have to remind myself that if I claim not to give a fuck about social conventions, why should I suddenly panic when fielding repeated questions about marriage, house and kids? Things are changing and taking different paths is more socially acceptable but I still think we are limited and hurt a lot by this. Sure, I'd love a "perfect" relationship, but I know I don't want to create on giving more than 50% of the effort. No one does.
It is an interesting time in our culture. The US has the highest number of single people it has had at any point in history, proportionally. We focus on quick fixes and instant gratification. It is how we have consumed everything growing up. Why should love or intimacy be any different? In this context, I worry about how competition affects women's friendships with each other. We often destroy the possibility of connecting through jealousy and envy. In punk, where fewer of us are present, we are by no means immune to these trappings. We feel anger, possessiveness, and defensiveness when our corner is threatened. When another girl has the boy or girl we want, gets more attention, is incredibly pretty or smart or funny, we are too scared to fully acknowledge the reality because it is uncomfortable, sticky, and unattractive. it also makes us feel vulnerable.
In my experience, men are often either unaware of or insensitive to their disruption of women's friendships with each other. This ranges from the guy commenting to a girl constantly about her girlfriend that he is interested in, to comparing two women who are close friends to one another when so such comparison has been invited, to making musical/artistic comparisons just because two creators are women. fucking snore. Conversely, I have no patience for girls who seek out social currency by dissing other girls in shitty, catty ways, frequently in front of guys. I am in awe of men with the perception to not only name this bullshit dynamic, but (as I have seen one, and pretty much to date only one man do) to call that shit what it is and not participate in it.
Men who reward such antics are bullshit. Women who participate in such antics are bullshit.
What I am interested in right now is meetings women with the guts to talk about the complex, difficult ways we are put at odds with one another. Talking about it breaks the silence that keeps us from truly accessing support and love from each other.
In this issue, I interviewed one of my favorite humans in the world, Aimee Argote from Des_Ark. We met when we were teenagers in our first bands. We played shows together, connected through a network that existed pre-myspace, and the internet website message board blogosphere frenzy, centered around women and queer punks. We all knew what lady/queer kid booked shows in what town. We knew what her last 'zine or record was like. We would call each other on the phone, eventually for no other reason than to catch up. We created the community and network we envisioned.
While elements of this still exist, that network has largely dissolved. I hunger for similar structures connecting women/queer folks interested in each other's voices within punk. I want to think about how we can provide space for those often relegated to the margins to create theory, tell stories, make art. At the same time, I want a world that embraces men's leadership, ideas, and potential in challenging notions of strength.
A better world can emerge, one where strength in both women and men is embraced, where gender isn't fixed, and where people are too scared to have the difficult conversations and interactions that move us forward. Just when I am despondent about punk's ability to provide any role at all in that personal mission, I remember what I feel like at Des_ark shows, or zegota shows, or shows of any number of bands that give me the fuel to keep fighting for the world I want to live in.
thinking of this struggle always calls to mind the great tattoo a friend of mine has on his knuckles--don't stop. i won't if you won't.
--katy otto.
(column from the 'zine: Give Me Back, volume 3.)
oh boy, but in general, things have been good.
i forgot in romanticizing summer, i neglected to remember the sunburns, the sweaty messenger bag back, the abundant creepy comments about my legs and tattoos, too often being called baby girl. the excessive amount of pedestrians and tourists stumbling off sidewalks at all times. still, ultimately, i'm loving iced mate and iced coffee in the sun, being able to sit anywhere instead of the same 4 buildings. the shortened dressing time and my general uplifted mood.
thursday night pubcrawl: 5 wheels stolen outside the second bar, lots of people stuck behind at cole's (no more cool bars included in the future), but ended up being awesome, wrapping up with a bikini bar, $3 whiskey and lots of french fries, and last at christina's place for $2 guiness. plans of a summer pub crawl definitely in motion.
i left with the team on friday night to drive down to hillsborough with many gas station stops and dominos for dinner. stayed in the crappiest hotel, perched on the edge of the bed so i wouldn't wake up cuddling with bradley. woke up by 7:30 and "fueled up" at this incredibly greasy spoon diner before heading to the course. the women's cat 4 race went off first with a full field of 50 (!) in these semi-winding backroads, littered with sections of gravel. it was awesome though. we only did one loop (30 miles-everyone else completed 2) and it finished up with two decent hills and a loop on cobble stones. i went a little too early and my sprinting muscles were cashed--but came in 4th. just off podium, shoot. hung out the rest of the day, grilling and drinking stag. loooooong bus ride home, comparing our terrible sunburns. finally arrived back in chicago and headed to the downtown shake down after party for a bit.
sunday, i was responsible! had my headset swapped for free, cooked up a bunch of beets and barley for the week, and went downtown to be filmed for a music video! lots of silly riding, but made $160 bucks for my 3 hours of participation. headed straight over to cait's to read as you like it and eat cookies on sticks with liz. as nick would say, "my life definitely isn't totally crappy."
sunny week with the philly kids coming in on thursday and MMI this weekend.
i've been reading a lot more lately, and realized how totally i've fallen out of touch with politics. &how rarely i seriously discuss/debate ideas rather than people and facts. i suppose i knew those topics and discussions wouldn't be as accessible, or givens, once out of college, yet being smacked in the face with that sort of commentary forces me to reevaluate what i expect out of myself. that while i pretend to challenge myself, i've failed to continue learning on my own volition.
and then maybe all of this is more the realization that i can't continue to use my age as an excuse any longer. while 23 isn't old, i do begin to contemplate what it means if i continue to be a bike messenger and reach 25, 26 with no other experience besides riding my bike in a city. that the section in katy otto's article below where she mentions being someone who typically imagines their self as being able to eschew social conventions, i still freak out over what this means for my future. if on the set timeline of expectancy, when will i begin to be a "real grown-up" and will i be satisfied if i never reach that? (i also really liked this below quote)
"i'd always assumed there would be a certain point in time when the transformation from "kid" to "adult" would be complete. one day I would wake up and suddenly understand how interest rates are calculated, know how to properly clean stuffed animals, and throw out everything in my closet that could possibly stand out in anyway. bam! I would have a family, be making wise investment decisions regarding housing and automobiles, start wearing gold jewelry and be capable of making anything from pancakes and casseroles with nary a glance at a cookbook. somehow, this elusive adulthood has managed to make a wide berth around the path of my life. either that or at 26, i am not yet eligible." kim bae
despite being overall content with my life and how free and easy it is, i have been continually thinking about what i want to do next, and where to go from here. maybe i just need a job that more thoroughly occupies my mind, so i can finally get out of my head.
&this has always been one of my favorite articles. cause katy otto is such an articulate, bad-ass. i'll repost it here for posterity's sake, even though i rarely reread these entries:
I am fortunate to have an overwhelming number of driven, high caliber, loving, incredible women in my life (additionally i am surrounded by incredible men, trans, and gender-queer folk). We face challenges that come with living in a culture that is terrified of women who have strong, substantive, impermeable relationships with each other, be they artistic, organizational, familial, or intimate. From a young age, girls are socialized to compete with each other--we are taught to operate from a place of scarcity. If we choose to date men, we are told it's an occasional "necessity" to trample over each other to get the final prize, the jackpot, the pot of gold at the end of the goddamn rainbow-the boyfriend! He'll rush in, bestow his ever-so-unique and vital attention on us, and all our problems will melt away.
We get messages beginning in girlhood that our worth and femininity depend on our abilities to secure an appropriate male partner. He must be stoic, be traditionally masculine, never cheat on us or mistreat us, make money, not be substance riddled, and be in control at all times (as we must). We must have an air tight, perfect, harmonious relationship with great communication, great sex, plans to procreate, a path toward home ownership, satisfying careers, and total equality.
What I wonder is: are people ever able to live up to this? Real life is way messier. As I approach 29, pressure mounts about the future. I have to remind myself that if I claim not to give a fuck about social conventions, why should I suddenly panic when fielding repeated questions about marriage, house and kids? Things are changing and taking different paths is more socially acceptable but I still think we are limited and hurt a lot by this. Sure, I'd love a "perfect" relationship, but I know I don't want to create on giving more than 50% of the effort. No one does.
It is an interesting time in our culture. The US has the highest number of single people it has had at any point in history, proportionally. We focus on quick fixes and instant gratification. It is how we have consumed everything growing up. Why should love or intimacy be any different? In this context, I worry about how competition affects women's friendships with each other. We often destroy the possibility of connecting through jealousy and envy. In punk, where fewer of us are present, we are by no means immune to these trappings. We feel anger, possessiveness, and defensiveness when our corner is threatened. When another girl has the boy or girl we want, gets more attention, is incredibly pretty or smart or funny, we are too scared to fully acknowledge the reality because it is uncomfortable, sticky, and unattractive. it also makes us feel vulnerable.
In my experience, men are often either unaware of or insensitive to their disruption of women's friendships with each other. This ranges from the guy commenting to a girl constantly about her girlfriend that he is interested in, to comparing two women who are close friends to one another when so such comparison has been invited, to making musical/artistic comparisons just because two creators are women. fucking snore. Conversely, I have no patience for girls who seek out social currency by dissing other girls in shitty, catty ways, frequently in front of guys. I am in awe of men with the perception to not only name this bullshit dynamic, but (as I have seen one, and pretty much to date only one man do) to call that shit what it is and not participate in it.
Men who reward such antics are bullshit. Women who participate in such antics are bullshit.
What I am interested in right now is meetings women with the guts to talk about the complex, difficult ways we are put at odds with one another. Talking about it breaks the silence that keeps us from truly accessing support and love from each other.
In this issue, I interviewed one of my favorite humans in the world, Aimee Argote from Des_Ark. We met when we were teenagers in our first bands. We played shows together, connected through a network that existed pre-myspace, and the internet website message board blogosphere frenzy, centered around women and queer punks. We all knew what lady/queer kid booked shows in what town. We knew what her last 'zine or record was like. We would call each other on the phone, eventually for no other reason than to catch up. We created the community and network we envisioned.
While elements of this still exist, that network has largely dissolved. I hunger for similar structures connecting women/queer folks interested in each other's voices within punk. I want to think about how we can provide space for those often relegated to the margins to create theory, tell stories, make art. At the same time, I want a world that embraces men's leadership, ideas, and potential in challenging notions of strength.
A better world can emerge, one where strength in both women and men is embraced, where gender isn't fixed, and where people are too scared to have the difficult conversations and interactions that move us forward. Just when I am despondent about punk's ability to provide any role at all in that personal mission, I remember what I feel like at Des_ark shows, or zegota shows, or shows of any number of bands that give me the fuel to keep fighting for the world I want to live in.
thinking of this struggle always calls to mind the great tattoo a friend of mine has on his knuckles--don't stop. i won't if you won't.
--katy otto.
(column from the 'zine: Give Me Back, volume 3.)
oh boy, but in general, things have been good.
i forgot in romanticizing summer, i neglected to remember the sunburns, the sweaty messenger bag back, the abundant creepy comments about my legs and tattoos, too often being called baby girl. the excessive amount of pedestrians and tourists stumbling off sidewalks at all times. still, ultimately, i'm loving iced mate and iced coffee in the sun, being able to sit anywhere instead of the same 4 buildings. the shortened dressing time and my general uplifted mood.
thursday night pubcrawl: 5 wheels stolen outside the second bar, lots of people stuck behind at cole's (no more cool bars included in the future), but ended up being awesome, wrapping up with a bikini bar, $3 whiskey and lots of french fries, and last at christina's place for $2 guiness. plans of a summer pub crawl definitely in motion.
i left with the team on friday night to drive down to hillsborough with many gas station stops and dominos for dinner. stayed in the crappiest hotel, perched on the edge of the bed so i wouldn't wake up cuddling with bradley. woke up by 7:30 and "fueled up" at this incredibly greasy spoon diner before heading to the course. the women's cat 4 race went off first with a full field of 50 (!) in these semi-winding backroads, littered with sections of gravel. it was awesome though. we only did one loop (30 miles-everyone else completed 2) and it finished up with two decent hills and a loop on cobble stones. i went a little too early and my sprinting muscles were cashed--but came in 4th. just off podium, shoot. hung out the rest of the day, grilling and drinking stag. loooooong bus ride home, comparing our terrible sunburns. finally arrived back in chicago and headed to the downtown shake down after party for a bit.
sunday, i was responsible! had my headset swapped for free, cooked up a bunch of beets and barley for the week, and went downtown to be filmed for a music video! lots of silly riding, but made $160 bucks for my 3 hours of participation. headed straight over to cait's to read as you like it and eat cookies on sticks with liz. as nick would say, "my life definitely isn't totally crappy."
sunny week with the philly kids coming in on thursday and MMI this weekend.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
april showers bring may flowers
so in spite of myself, i'll continue to discuss the weather since it has such ridiculous control over my mental well-being. 70s in late march/april is fucking incredible. even broke the record high on wednesday, 83 degrees at o'hare. oh global warming, YOU'RE. ALRIGHT!
despite trying to eat healthier in general, i was tastee freeze frequenter last week--3 days in a row to be exact. it's just so easy when the whole neighborhood wants to hang out all the time. bbqs and porch time is already in full swing. AND THEN the weekend of birthdays begins. thursday video nasties was an early meet up at TF followed by stone beer drinking at kyle/ali's. and they live is a great movie, or what i was able to follow over the yelling. AND our seedlings are sprouting at ali's!
after work on friday, we bbq'ed and bocci'ed, then headed up to cole's to celebrate claire and chris' birthdays. luckily cole seemed genuinely stoked to have us there--which kind of makes me wonder exactly HOW terrible one would have to be...much mellower than the sheer rowdiness of aug/phil's bdays to be sure though.
despite ample complaining of a potential "colder" weekend, saturday cleared by 1pm. ali, kyle and i rode up to evanston, and caught a late lunch at heartland cafe. i didn't know such a stereotypically hippy cafe could exist in chicago, but it does and reminds me a great deal of dharma's in santa cruz. black bean burgers, yum. after birthday cake with chris' parents, we headed up to the two-way for sean's birthday. bizarre crowd to begin (you can only take so much kenny loggins) but we slowly took it over, with a continual flow of old style pitchers and new faces. we discussed boiler makers at midnight, but once the crowd swelled to 30, we figured it was a lost cause. instead, we put rick astley on the jukebox 3 times in a row. alas, e farrar came to the rescue, and returned to the table with two trays of the worst whisky you've ever tasted. with a countdown to midnight, the music was turned down and the whole bar joined in singing sean happy birthday while we haphazardly assembled our drinks, splashing whisky all over. all our songs started turning up on the juke box, and kim brought out the dance party in all of us with a whole lot of mariah carey. dance parties, whisky, and good friends make any saturday a win.
sunday brunch was a late affair, but filled with vegan cupcakes and lots of potato products, patio hang outs and plenty of sunshine. sundays are always best, always.
despite trying to eat healthier in general, i was tastee freeze frequenter last week--3 days in a row to be exact. it's just so easy when the whole neighborhood wants to hang out all the time. bbqs and porch time is already in full swing. AND THEN the weekend of birthdays begins. thursday video nasties was an early meet up at TF followed by stone beer drinking at kyle/ali's. and they live is a great movie, or what i was able to follow over the yelling. AND our seedlings are sprouting at ali's!
after work on friday, we bbq'ed and bocci'ed, then headed up to cole's to celebrate claire and chris' birthdays. luckily cole seemed genuinely stoked to have us there--which kind of makes me wonder exactly HOW terrible one would have to be...much mellower than the sheer rowdiness of aug/phil's bdays to be sure though.
despite ample complaining of a potential "colder" weekend, saturday cleared by 1pm. ali, kyle and i rode up to evanston, and caught a late lunch at heartland cafe. i didn't know such a stereotypically hippy cafe could exist in chicago, but it does and reminds me a great deal of dharma's in santa cruz. black bean burgers, yum. after birthday cake with chris' parents, we headed up to the two-way for sean's birthday. bizarre crowd to begin (you can only take so much kenny loggins) but we slowly took it over, with a continual flow of old style pitchers and new faces. we discussed boiler makers at midnight, but once the crowd swelled to 30, we figured it was a lost cause. instead, we put rick astley on the jukebox 3 times in a row. alas, e farrar came to the rescue, and returned to the table with two trays of the worst whisky you've ever tasted. with a countdown to midnight, the music was turned down and the whole bar joined in singing sean happy birthday while we haphazardly assembled our drinks, splashing whisky all over. all our songs started turning up on the juke box, and kim brought out the dance party in all of us with a whole lot of mariah carey. dance parties, whisky, and good friends make any saturday a win.
sunday brunch was a late affair, but filled with vegan cupcakes and lots of potato products, patio hang outs and plenty of sunshine. sundays are always best, always.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
you're not at your best on your own today...
... you need the energy of other people to get you going. if you're surrounded by others who share your values, you can perform at your peak.
-virgo horoscope for today.
and somehow i feel this is true for most days, especially per a conversation i had just last night. and i've been needing more "peak performance" out of myself lately. phew.
i also found this amazing website/blog with "strange maps," maps redo for specific purposes or, in this case, allegorical, but all super interesting.
we had also just been talking about chicago being the "beer belly" of america and when i brought up the site the other day:
which awesomely includes quotes from a david lynch movie the straight story which i have yet to see. with harry dean stanton. if it is anywhere near as good as paris, texas which i only recently saw, i will be please. on the david lynch note, i'll leave with a log lady quote.
"there is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. yes, we are ignorant of many beautiful things - things like the truth. So sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. The tears are real. What is this thing called a tear? There are even tiny ducts - tear ducts - to produce these tears should the sadness occur. Then the day when the sadness comes - then we ask: "Will this sadness which makes me cry - will this sadness that makes my heart cry out - will it ever end?" The answer, of course, is yes. One day the sadness will end."
-virgo horoscope for today.
and somehow i feel this is true for most days, especially per a conversation i had just last night. and i've been needing more "peak performance" out of myself lately. phew.
i also found this amazing website/blog with "strange maps," maps redo for specific purposes or, in this case, allegorical, but all super interesting.
we had also just been talking about chicago being the "beer belly" of america and when i brought up the site the other day:
which awesomely includes quotes from a david lynch movie the straight story which i have yet to see. with harry dean stanton. if it is anywhere near as good as paris, texas which i only recently saw, i will be please. on the david lynch note, i'll leave with a log lady quote.
"there is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. yes, we are ignorant of many beautiful things - things like the truth. So sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. The tears are real. What is this thing called a tear? There are even tiny ducts - tear ducts - to produce these tears should the sadness occur. Then the day when the sadness comes - then we ask: "Will this sadness which makes me cry - will this sadness that makes my heart cry out - will it ever end?" The answer, of course, is yes. One day the sadness will end."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
it's like you finally realize how lucky you really are to have had a few great heartbreaks.
i took a sharp left down an alley yesterday and suddenly remembered that less than a month ago, i wouldn't have dared with the amount of snow and ice on that had inhabited the ground then. yet, this past week has been amazing--shirt sleeves and shorts in march, who knew?! i think this is a premonition of a daringly warm summer, but i'll take it for now. yet, this weekend winter felt necessary to reassert itself, and keep chicago in check with a blast of sleet. ugh, the return of the wet 30s, but the forecast is to be clear through the next week. oddly better, since i'm in the lower denomination who would rather clear weeks and stormy weekends. in this spring/summer weather, i finally relearn to love my job and reel in the negative attitude (sometimes, its beyond my will to keep it in check) when the sun emerges. i'd like to think i have more control over my emotions (who wouldn't), but i'll be realistic (we're all so naive) and recognize the strength of sun and warmth on my general happiness. smiles and all, i'd prefer to tear across the loop, &enjoy riding my bike, and then continue to feel justified in my movie *cough*degrassi*cough* watching, brunches filled with excessive coffee and bloody marys, complete with naps on weekends, which always feel so much more appropriate with gloom, gloom, gloom.
today was technically the first day of spring. ironically, also the worst weather we've had in weeks. yet daylight savings "spring ahead" has saved my sanity (in addition to 3 pieces of free cake in 2 days. apparently its birthday season. i'm in luck) since arriving home in daylight encourages me to do more than simply curl up with the closest cat who wants to snuggle (usually oscar). we celebrated with brunch at erica and sean's. cozy hang out with an amazing variety of yummy vegan food and homemade pickled creations erica had canned the previous summer (i'm going to be all over that this summer). i spent the remainder of the day cleaning up from the final chili night. chili night was forcibly ended (though by allison and i, ha) since winter is "over". according to it's nature, the event insisted on going out with a bang. bang indeed. At 930, i escaped to the porch since with the sheer number of attendees, i could hardly move around in my own kitchen. i kept proclaiming, "this is a potluck, not a party," yet i even knew i was sadly mistaken. at 11pm, a dance party to spice girls erupted despite my futile yells to "turn it the fuck down". finally, by 12:30 the crowd has dissipated. but to not be mistaken, it was TOTALLY awesome to have a sort of closure with the official winter. &i felt damn proud to have carried this event from october-march (despite russell's proclamations for failure) with allison. thanks to boggle, booze, and cheap crayons +paper from the family dollar, everyone seemed to have a blast. already there are murmurings of spring BBQs. i can only hope. &hope they are planned by someone else.
sundays have been filled with shakespeare night at cait's (currently reading the taming of the shrew after an avid viewing of ten things i hate about you) as well as emo nights at tuman's (so much braid, promise ring & jawbreaker) at the end of the month. the first criterium of the year kicks off this monday and i'm anxiously trying to pull myself together with a proper bike AND arrive down at calumet by 6:30pm. i've shirked at properly getting into shape as compared to some of my teammates, but i'm damn excited to begin this season.
as always, i feel incomplete and abstract by not filling in the gaps, but it is what it is. i cannot wait for summer, and as much for people to cease talking about how close summer is. short-shorts will rule my life, and more, after work hang outs with the burgeoning community of humboldt/logan. but really, things just seem to be working my way, thank you.
today was technically the first day of spring. ironically, also the worst weather we've had in weeks. yet daylight savings "spring ahead" has saved my sanity (in addition to 3 pieces of free cake in 2 days. apparently its birthday season. i'm in luck) since arriving home in daylight encourages me to do more than simply curl up with the closest cat who wants to snuggle (usually oscar). we celebrated with brunch at erica and sean's. cozy hang out with an amazing variety of yummy vegan food and homemade pickled creations erica had canned the previous summer (i'm going to be all over that this summer). i spent the remainder of the day cleaning up from the final chili night. chili night was forcibly ended (though by allison and i, ha) since winter is "over". according to it's nature, the event insisted on going out with a bang. bang indeed. At 930, i escaped to the porch since with the sheer number of attendees, i could hardly move around in my own kitchen. i kept proclaiming, "this is a potluck, not a party," yet i even knew i was sadly mistaken. at 11pm, a dance party to spice girls erupted despite my futile yells to "turn it the fuck down". finally, by 12:30 the crowd has dissipated. but to not be mistaken, it was TOTALLY awesome to have a sort of closure with the official winter. &i felt damn proud to have carried this event from october-march (despite russell's proclamations for failure) with allison. thanks to boggle, booze, and cheap crayons +paper from the family dollar, everyone seemed to have a blast. already there are murmurings of spring BBQs. i can only hope. &hope they are planned by someone else.
sundays have been filled with shakespeare night at cait's (currently reading the taming of the shrew after an avid viewing of ten things i hate about you) as well as emo nights at tuman's (so much braid, promise ring & jawbreaker) at the end of the month. the first criterium of the year kicks off this monday and i'm anxiously trying to pull myself together with a proper bike AND arrive down at calumet by 6:30pm. i've shirked at properly getting into shape as compared to some of my teammates, but i'm damn excited to begin this season.
as always, i feel incomplete and abstract by not filling in the gaps, but it is what it is. i cannot wait for summer, and as much for people to cease talking about how close summer is. short-shorts will rule my life, and more, after work hang outs with the burgeoning community of humboldt/logan. but really, things just seem to be working my way, thank you.
Monday, March 1, 2010
...and happiness is overrated.
so some day, when i'm rich, i will buy this:
i should update for realz, but it becomes increasingly difficult as time passes. i'll sum it up with: winter is long. but somehow, i'm coming to love chicago more &more, and i find it's primarily due to so many amazing people. my friends out here are amazing. sundays rule: brunch, aqua teen hunger force, shakespeare readings &emo night. sometimes i don't see how i can continually end up so lucky.
i should update for realz, but it becomes increasingly difficult as time passes. i'll sum it up with: winter is long. but somehow, i'm coming to love chicago more &more, and i find it's primarily due to so many amazing people. my friends out here are amazing. sundays rule: brunch, aqua teen hunger force, shakespeare readings &emo night. sometimes i don't see how i can continually end up so lucky.
Monday, February 8, 2010
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