i won't if you won't.

he other day i had a friend comment on how i was being broken down by the midwest, that i was letting go of my "PC-ness" (my quotes, not his). while they were kidding, and found this quite amusing, i found it somewhat terrifying. i've always agreed with the off minor quote, "who you are is not a function of where you are" and would like to believe the traveling and moving i've done in the past years is more an exploration than being escapist or some sordid attempt to recreate myself by sheer geography. while i realize, and would hope to not be immune or inflexible to change, i detest the idea of letting go of certain ideals simply because i'm no longer surround by friends with similar to identical ideals as in santa cruz or san francisco. more, the concern that i'm letting go of the good and maintaining the bad. continuing to drink and do little else besides ride my bike and no longer teaching myself and being motivated to try new things, maintain any semblance of community involvement or even maintain intensity about the things i am involved in.

i've been reading a lot more lately, and realized how totally i've fallen out of touch with politics. &how rarely i seriously discuss/debate ideas rather than people and facts. i suppose i knew those topics and discussions wouldn't be as accessible, or givens, once out of college, yet being smacked in the face with that sort of commentary forces me to reevaluate what i expect out of myself. that while i pretend to challenge myself, i've failed to continue learning on my own volition.

and then maybe all of this is more the realization that i can't continue to use my age as an excuse any longer. while 23 isn't old, i do begin to contemplate what it means if i continue to be a bike messenger and reach 25, 26 with no other experience besides riding my bike in a city. that the section in katy otto's article below where she mentions being someone who typically imagines their self as being able to eschew social conventions, i still freak out over what this means for my future. if on the set timeline of expectancy, when will i begin to be a "real grown-up" and will i be satisfied if i never reach that? (i also really liked this below quote)

"i'd always assumed there would be a certain point in time when the transformation from "kid" to "adult" would be complete. one day I would wake up and suddenly understand how interest rates are calculated, know how to properly clean stuffed animals, and throw out everything in my closet that could possibly stand out in anyway. bam! I would have a family, be making wise investment decisions regarding housing and automobiles, start wearing gold jewelry and be capable of making anything from pancakes and casseroles with nary a glance at a cookbook. somehow, this elusive adulthood has managed to make a wide berth around the path of my life. either that or at 26, i am not yet eligible." kim bae

despite being overall content with my life and how free and easy it is, i have been continually thinking about what i want to do next, and where to go from here. maybe i just need a job that more thoroughly occupies my mind, so i can finally get out of my head.

&this has always been one of my favorite articles. cause katy otto is such an articulate, bad-ass. i'll repost it here for posterity's sake, even though i rarely reread these entries:

I am fortunate to have an overwhelming number of driven, high caliber, loving, incredible women in my life (additionally i am surrounded by incredible men, trans, and gender-queer folk). We face challenges that come with living in a culture that is terrified of women who have strong, substantive, impermeable relationships with each other, be they artistic, organizational, familial, or intimate. From a young age, girls are socialized to compete with each other--we are taught to operate from a place of scarcity. If we choose to date men, we are told it's an occasional "necessity" to trample over each other to get the final prize, the jackpot, the pot of gold at the end of the goddamn rainbow-the boyfriend! He'll rush in, bestow his ever-so-unique and vital attention on us, and all our problems will melt away.
We get messages beginning in girlhood that our worth and femininity depend on our abilities to secure an appropriate male partner. He must be stoic, be traditionally masculine, never cheat on us or mistreat us, make money, not be substance riddled, and be in control at all times (as we must). We must have an air tight, perfect, harmonious relationship with great communication, great sex, plans to procreate, a path toward home ownership, satisfying careers, and total equality.

What I wonder is: are people ever able to live up to this? Real life is way messier. As I approach 29, pressure mounts about the future. I have to remind myself that if I claim not to give a fuck about social conventions, why should I suddenly panic when fielding repeated questions about marriage, house and kids? Things are changing and taking different paths is more socially acceptable but I still think we are limited and hurt a lot by this. Sure, I'd love a "perfect" relationship, but I know I don't want to create on giving more than 50% of the effort. No one does.

It is an interesting time in our culture. The US has the highest number of single people it has had at any point in history, proportionally. We focus on quick fixes and instant gratification. It is how we have consumed everything growing up. Why should love or intimacy be any different? In this context, I worry about how competition affects women's friendships with each other. We often destroy the possibility of connecting through jealousy and envy. In punk, where fewer of us are present, we are by no means immune to these trappings. We feel anger, possessiveness, and defensiveness when our corner is threatened. When another girl has the boy or girl we want, gets more attention, is incredibly pretty or smart or funny, we are too scared to fully acknowledge the reality because it is uncomfortable, sticky, and unattractive. it also makes us feel vulnerable.

In my experience, men are often either unaware of or insensitive to their disruption of women's friendships with each other. This ranges from the guy commenting to a girl constantly about her girlfriend that he is interested in, to comparing two women who are close friends to one another when so such comparison has been invited, to making musical/artistic comparisons just because two creators are women. fucking snore. Conversely, I have no patience for girls who seek out social currency by dissing other girls in shitty, catty ways, frequently in front of guys. I am in awe of men with the perception to not only name this bullshit dynamic, but (as I have seen one, and pretty much to date only one man do) to call that shit what it is and not participate in it.

Men who reward such antics are bullshit. Women who participate in such antics are bullshit.

What I am interested in right now is meetings women with the guts to talk about the complex, difficult ways we are put at odds with one another. Talking about it breaks the silence that keeps us from truly accessing support and love from each other.
In this issue, I interviewed one of my favorite humans in the world, Aimee Argote from Des_Ark. We met when we were teenagers in our first bands. We played shows together, connected through a network that existed pre-myspace, and the internet website message board blogosphere frenzy, centered around women and queer punks. We all knew what lady/queer kid booked shows in what town. We knew what her last 'zine or record was like. We would call each other on the phone, eventually for no other reason than to catch up. We created the community and network we envisioned.
While elements of this still exist, that network has largely dissolved. I hunger for similar structures connecting women/queer folks interested in each other's voices within punk. I want to think about how we can provide space for those often relegated to the margins to create theory, tell stories, make art. At the same time, I want a world that embraces men's leadership, ideas, and potential in challenging notions of strength.
A better world can emerge, one where strength in both women and men is embraced, where gender isn't fixed, and where people are too scared to have the difficult conversations and interactions that move us forward. Just when I am despondent about punk's ability to provide any role at all in that personal mission, I remember what I feel like at Des_ark shows, or zegota shows, or shows of any number of bands that give me the fuel to keep fighting for the world I want to live in.

thinking of this struggle always calls to mind the great tattoo a friend of mine has on his knuckles--don't stop. i won't if you won't.

--katy otto.
(column from the 'zine: Give Me Back, volume 3.)

oh boy, but in general, things have been good.
i forgot in romanticizing summer, i neglected to remember the sunburns, the sweaty messenger bag back, the abundant creepy comments about my legs and tattoos, too often being called baby girl. the excessive amount of pedestrians and tourists stumbling off sidewalks at all times. still, ultimately, i'm loving iced mate and iced coffee in the sun, being able to sit anywhere instead of the same 4 buildings. the shortened dressing time and my general uplifted mood.

thursday night pubcrawl: 5 wheels stolen outside the second bar, lots of people stuck behind at cole's (no more cool bars included in the future), but ended up being awesome, wrapping up with a bikini bar, $3 whiskey and lots of french fries, and last at christina's place for $2 guiness. plans of a summer pub crawl definitely in motion.


i left with the team on friday night to drive down to hillsborough with many gas station stops and dominos for dinner. stayed in the crappiest hotel, perched on the edge of the bed so i wouldn't wake up cuddling with bradley. woke up by 7:30 and "fueled up" at this incredibly greasy spoon diner before heading to the course. the women's cat 4 race went off first with a full field of 50 (!) in these semi-winding backroads, littered with sections of gravel. it was awesome though. we only did one loop (30 miles-everyone else completed 2) and it finished up with two decent hills and a loop on cobble stones. i went a little too early and my sprinting muscles were cashed--but came in 4th. just off podium, shoot. hung out the rest of the day, grilling and drinking stag. loooooong bus ride home, comparing our terrible sunburns. finally arrived back in chicago and headed to the downtown shake down after party for a bit.




sunday, i was responsible! had my headset swapped for free, cooked up a bunch of beets and barley for the week, and went downtown to be filmed for a music video! lots of silly riding, but made $160 bucks for my 3 hours of participation. headed straight over to cait's to read as you like it and eat cookies on sticks with liz. as nick would say, "my life definitely isn't totally crappy."

sunny week with the philly kids coming in on thursday and MMI this weekend.